Like this site, you came into this world with no content and few supporters. There was an undue amount of resistance, but you made it, covered in goo and gasping for air. The whole mess was a god damn bloody war.
You fought the laws of the universe and the universe won.
Through the torture of birth, it’s as if the worldwas prepping you for a series of battles that would inevitably last your entire life. And that first one was its way of saying, “hey bud, let’s party.” Or rather, “this ain’t gonna’ be easy, kid.”
As far as you know, you didn’t ask for such luck—to be here, among the humans. But after billions of years, a series of mishaps by your ancestors, and maybe a few cocktails on a chilly December night, the universe conspired to bring YOU into being. And thus, the existential crisis was set in motion.
You were born into a crisis, out of chaos, as potential.
EH
Sit with that for a moment. You are the fleshy embodiment of potential—from the moment you popped out as a needy piece of mass up to now. Hopefully you’ve shed some baby fat and aren’t as needy.
Maybe you were fortunate enough to have had two caring parents who were in just as much shock and awe of their pudgy little potential as you were.
Maybe you weren’t. A friend (Amy) once reflected on her initiation into the crisis with me; directly after she came hurtling out of the womb, her mother refused to look at and hold her. It’s no surprise that her relationships suffered until her mid-to-late 30s. Her first need for unconditional validation and loving consolation was abdicated by the very person whose job was to provide it. Throughout her 20s and 30s, Amy chased men who either didn’t want to handle her or didn’t know how.
Spoiler alter: Amy’s engaged now. You go, girl!
But it took years of self-discovery and deep personal work in order for Amy to first recognize and then receive someone who would cherish her. That work led to a thing we call ‘growth.’ She had to break free from the bondages of a narcissistic mother and alcoholic father in order for her to not only see her potential but finally aspire to reach it. Her transcendence seemed to be infectious, too; it inspired her father to seek out treatment for his addiction to alcohol.
Maybe you had parents who were deeply entrenched in their own crisis, yet aware of their shortfalls just enough to give you a few tools that would help you through yours. This makes me think of the Shel Silverstein-penned song by Johnny Cash, A Boy Named Sue. Son-of-a-bitch as he was, even the deadbeat dad set his child up for success.
And he said, Son, this world is tough
And if a man’s gonna’ make it he’s gotta’ be tough
And I knew I wouldn’t be there to help you along.
So I gave you that name and I said goodbye,
I knew you’d have to get tough or die,
And it’s that name that helped you grow so strong.
J. Cash
In a perfect world and with an ideal upbringing, you’d have been given the freedom to struggle through life’s early battles with the detached supervision of loving parents; close enough to ensure you didn’t shoot your eye out and distanced enough so that you could experiment with trial and error, falling and rebounding, all while gaining knowledge through experiential data.
Be wary of unearned knowledge.
C. Jung
We must earn the knowledge we possess in order to adapt properly through our crisis. Or, we don’t adapt, stay plateaued, deepen the suffering, and remain in a state of unmet potential.
Okay, so how do we live up to the idea that we are the embodiment of potential while constantly on alert, trying to survive? Well, one can start by applying meaning to their approach. Or rather, voluntarily proceed into the unknown with meaning. The darker the unknown, the better. There, you’ll likely run into an ally called ‘purpose.’ Why’s it gotta’ be dark? Because if your path is lit and laid out perfectly in front of you, then you’re walking someone else’s path. This is the idea mythologist Joseph Campbell relates in regard to the Search for the Holy Grail; each knight entered the forest at the point that was the darkest to HIM.
In your darkness, where you fight your deepest battles, is where you grow. It’s there that you’re challenged. No challenge, and you remain exactly who you are today: unmet potential.
Some believe that metaphysical lore and archetypal tales (like King Arthur) were created as a way to better understand our potential, how much we could create with it, and why [the humans] were blessed with it. Unlike the animals that were chasing us through the jungle and across the Sahara, we were frighteningly aware of our vulnerability; every element was out to get us. Potential wasn’t in the form of a Friday-night hook-up or a night out with the girls. Potential, for much farther back than most of us can conceive, meant staying alive. How do we survive the elements? How do we find food? How do we not kill each other? (Which we’re not doing a great job at, BTW.) How do we not die knowing that during our lifelong pursuit of survival we’ll eventually die? (Nice paradox.) Our ancestors were working on their DIY life guide while their subconscious was constantly prodding them with the perennial question, “what does it all mean?”
There’s a formula in here somewhere that possibly resembles something like:
If why = meaning; If how = struggle; Then Why + How = Purpose
Purpose is the reward that exists in the future, So, don’t worry about finding your purpose just yet. First, know the “why.” The why creates an ideal (not to be confused with an ideology) that’s bigger than you. So when you struggle with something, “why” pops up like Rick Astley and reminds you: Never gonna’ give you up.
Having a “why” also helps to alleviate suffering. Take away the why, and you’re struggling with no meaning—that’s suffering. Here’s an example that brings it to life.
Imagine stacking 50 – 100 lb. stones all day for a decade without a ‘why.’
“Hey Bob, why are we moving these stones all day?”
“I don’t know man, but keep moving them! Pericles is on our ass.”
“Okay!”
I’d be pissed.
You often see this dynamic play out in large companies. The C-suite decides to make drastic changes to the business infrastructure or corporate vision without delivering an update to those toiling in the weeds. Sometimes this means layoffs, hiring freezes, mergers, etc. The toilers typically struggle to meet new demands and/or they seek out new employment. Both outcomes are the effects of being visually impaired toward the why.
Here’s a more extreme example. At the gates of many Nazi concentration camps was signage that read, “Arbeit macht frei.” Work will set you free. The work in this case was labor intensive, repetitive, and void of any meaning. Burdensome tasks like carrying heavy bags of salt from one end of the yard and back, ad infinitum, were directed by Nazi soldiers. If any meaning at all could be applied to this exercise in malevolence it was to deepen suffering. And the freedom advertised above the gates (of hell) meant the end of suffering by working oneself to death. This is not how we should apply meaning.
But I think we’ve driven this theme home: Lack of meaning in coordination with great struggle leads to suffering. Now let’s add meaning.
Back to the 50 – 100 lb. stones; what if, every day for a decade this effort had a larger-than-life “why?” In this example, I reference the Greeks who constructed the Parthenon. That was their why. The purpose was to honor Athena by showing her the amazing feats man could create with the gifts the gods had bestowed unto them. It took 10 or so years of hard labor and a grand vision to build the temple that would stand for 2,500 more.
Why. How. Purpose.
Even 2000s hip-hop star DMX references this why-plus-how formula in his song Slippin’: “to live is to suffer, to survive is to find meaning in the suffering.” Nietzsche actually said that. He also said:
He who has a why to live can bear any how.
F. Nietzsche
But there’s one more critical word in this equation that help us endure the struggle even when the “why” can look a bit hazy: Acceptance.
Acceptance of suffering does not mean we should not do everything in our power to solve a problem whenever it can be solved. However, acceptance of the suffering that we are already undergoing helps us not to make it worse with the additional burden of mental and emotional suffering.
D. Lama (Big Hitter)
What does the Dalai Lama mean with his Yoda-like sentence structure? We accept what is and let go of what isn’t. When we don’t accept our crisis as it is presented to us, we will suffer more. Rather than making decisions based on acceptance, they’ll likely be predicated on denial or ignorance. Simply put, acceptance is the way out of suffering and anything contrary to that will produce a contrary effect.
Acceptance = Alleviates Suffering Denial or Ignorance = Deepens Suffering
The crisis of being human becomes much more manageable when we embrace our potential by creating meaning for our actions and accepting the conditions we’re in.
And here’s how this all applies to YOU!
Remember when we discussed the tools our parents may have handed down to us (up there)? Let’s suppose for a second that they were engulfed in their own crisis and managed/medicated it via work, booze, food, fighting, infidelity, etc. The chances that you learned the tools to properly manage your way out of suffering are pretty slim—at least at an early age. Instead of creating purpose and finding serenity, you would likely develop a variety of detrimental coping mechanisms that produce the effect of a temporary reprieve from suffering—these are like Band-Aids for life’s battles.
And what are life’s battles? Basically, the world being an asshole, so we think.
Your girlfriend broke up with you. You didn’t make the baseball team. You were let go at work. Your sister was diagnosed with cancer. YOU were diagnosed with cancer. Some asshole cut you off and you’re 10 minutes late to an interview.
Most people use the coping mechanisms they’ve learned through observation or through the experience of seeking out that which will remove the suffering as fast as humanly possible. Can you relate to any of these?
Battle: Breakup
Solution: Find someone else to sleep with, pronto!
Battle: Didn’t Make the Team
Solution: Give up on being an all-star second baseman and play video games.
Battle: You Were Let Go at Work
Solution: Blame your boss and hit the bottle.
Battle: Your Sister Has Cancer
Solution: Blame God, hit the bottle, have sex with the first person you can find, and play video games.
Here’s the deal, bucko. You made it. You’re here living in the most civilized time this planet has every experienced. In 1900, about 7 percent of babies didn’t make it into the crisis, and of those that did, about 16 percent died before their first birthday (in some cities, this number ballooned to as much as 30%). You made it through the first, most strenuous battle: being born.
What if, just to get wacky for a moment, we flipped our perspective? What if the world isn’t an asshole that’s out to get you? Instead, what if the world sees your potential and wants you to reach it? Like the day you were born into existence when you fought for your damn life. And that’s just what these battles are; small fights for your life, and with every battle won a new version of you emerges. And you may be left bloody, gasping for air, but you made it, “with your heart still beating.” Stronger.
The pattern goes something like this:
Once you reach your potential, a new battle is placed in your path to further your development; thus, your potential is always expanding. Ideally, you have at least some low-resolution version of an otherwise lofty goal you’re working toward. We’ll call this “building your Parthenon.” This will give direct relevance to the next battle; the next obstacle between you and achieving the goal. In this lifelong exercise, you’re constantly facing two decisions: Leave your zone of experience or remain in stasis. THIS is the crux of the crisis, and for some this can be all too overwhelming. Do we take on another struggle or do we remain content with the way things are? The struggle is unknown and scary, and the current state of things, albeit BAD, hasn’t killed you yet. If you don’t have some larger-than-life aim, well, then it’s back to staring at your bellybutton (omphaloskepsis). Or worse, you’ll find yourself carrying bags of salt across a prison yard.
Let’s use a breakup as an example; your partner leaves you and shacks up with someone a few weeks later. Do you suffer through it? This is the idiomatic cliché, after all. Sure, you can, until the suffering gets bad enough that you need to find a real solution. Most people in this case suffer because they hang on to the past, had an unmet expectation of the relationship (i.e., it’s not what you thought it was), or continue pursuing something that isn’t rather than accepting what is. Obviously, this process becomes much more difficult when things like kids and finances are part of the picture. But, also… not really.
The approach to growth is to let go of the relationship, take some time to reaffirm your identity, focus on the things you’re passionate about, and achieve progress. If you do that, you’ll likely learn that the relationship was distracting you from something bigger, AND, you probably didn’t even like the person!
It’s okay to hurt, feel sad and/or betrayed. That’s pain and it means you’re not a robot. We endure pain to become stronger and more confident to take on life’s next big challenge. When we endure pain, we benefit in the form of progress—this is what makes us proud of ourselves, reminding us that there is some purpose hidden in the crisis. And the more progress we make at things that are seemingly more difficult, the more self-validation we give ourselves. Our body even gives us a little reward for our efforts; it’s called dopamine, and it makes us feel all the feels. We’re rewarded with it when we step out of our zone of experience to become more than we already are. And when expansion is in direct relation to an ideal that’s been placed in the future, the reward is even feel-ier.
Okay, what’s the next challenge? Lost your job? Good, because that place sucks anyway and you really want to record music. They just created more time for you to focus on your jams. Let’s hear them.
Being able to see the alternative to what seems like calamity doesn’t come easy. It takes practice, but with practice comes progress. And with enduring progress comes purpose and realized potential.
Every one of us is deep in it. The greats, like Chris Cornell, Anthony Bourdain and Kate Spade, didn’t use the self-check-out kiosk because they beat the crisis through fame and fortune.
It. Is. Always. Here.
To best it, we push forward, seek out new challenges, and continually expand our zone of experience. And we do it with meaning, accepting the things we don’t want to accept along way.
Today, no matter where you are in life, pick up that stone and start building your Parthenon.
Godspeed.
